Why is my son or daughter gay?
Finding out your son is gay or your daughter is lesbian can be a shattering experience to some parents. They may experience confusion, disappointment, fear, disbelief, sorrow, anger, guilt and shame. But to other parents, the new revelation may actually come as a relief, if they had long suspected that their child was unhappy or depressed and would not talk to them about it. Your son or daughter may have carried around what they felt to be a burden of guilt and shame, and had tried to be something they are not. Many gay men and lesbian women report that they were consciously aware of their orientation since the onset of puberty or even earlier. They report having felt uneasy and different from other children, in a way they could not quite understand. The fact that they have now been honest and shared this with you is a mark of their trust in you and their love for you.
Your son or daughter is not gay because of anything you or anyone else has done. Being lesbian, gay or bisexual is not a matter of choice, and cannot be changed or ‘cured’. It is a basic human characteristic; gay men and women exist in all cultures, and have done so throughout history. Some parents say that they guessed their child was gay long before they ‘came out’ to them. Others had no idea, and the announcement came as a total shock. We are all different, and this is what makes us the person we are. Sometimes, sexual preference is more flexible. Some people are truly bisexual, meaning they are attracted to the person rather than to their gender. Some who identify as heterosexual may have had same-sex relationships. Some may have suppressed their sexuality and entered into heterosexual relationships, only to find later on that they could only find true happiness with someone of their own gender. But many will have known for certain that they were gay or lesbian. This is not an idle choice they have made, but an important part of who they are. In past times attempts were made to ‘cure’ a person’s sexuality, but these were unsuccessful in the long term and could result in lasting mental health problems and even suicide, and in the UK such practices have now been outlawed by the Royal College of Psychiatrists. Research shows that about one in every twenty people are lesbian, gay or bisexual – on average, that’s one or two in every school class, and at least one in every extended family.
How can you tell who is gay?
You would be surprised who is gay. Some of your neighbours, colleagues, friends or family members may be gay without you knowing. In the past, many gay people lived “in the closet” all their lives and never told anyone. That situation is much less common in Britain nowadays, but sadly there are still people who cannot bring themselves to come out as lesbian or gay, and some who deny their sexuality by getting married to someone of the opposite sex and perhaps having children with them. This can cause great unhappiness all round later, when the relationship breaks up.
Diversity gives richness to life, and some gay men and women choose to express themselves by conforming to the stereotype of a butch woman or a flamboyant man. The chances are, however, that most will choose to look much like anyone else in their age group. Whatever the case, do not expect them to change.
Religion and Culture
Parents who are from certain cultural and/or religious backgrounds may experience difficulties in reconciling these doctrines with the gay or lesbian orientation of their son or daughter. With the passage of time, British society is taking a much more tolerant attitude to same-sex relationships, and the Christian church and other faiths continually have to reconsider their views on this. A great deal of work is being done by clergy to bring about a more tolerant attitude towards lesbian and gay people. There are very many gay people who are actively committed to their faith, in their regular attendance at their places of worship and also in the amount of time, and often money, they give to help those less fortunate than themselves. You may be surprised to learn how much support is available within your faith community. Some religious groups are particularly supportive of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender issues, and if your family holds strong religious views it may be helpful to contact one of these organisations. Click here for further information and links.
Diversity gives richness to life, and some gay men and women choose to express themselves by conforming to the stereotype of a butch woman or a flamboyant man. The chances are, however, that most will choose to look much like anyone else in their age group. Whatever the case, do not expect them to change.
Bullying and Harassment
One of the most distressing experiences for gay children is being bullied at school. Schools have a legal duty to protect all children and staff from harassment, and are required to positively promote all types of equalities, including issues of sexual orientation. Bullying should always be reported, and parents have the legal right to expect schools to take all possible steps to prevent a reoccurrence.
Although much of British society has become far more tolerant in recent years, gay people may still occasionally experience homophobia and harassment in some situations. Police forces have specialist units to deal with this, and gay men and women can expect their complaint to be treated sensitively and professionally. Further helpful information relating to homophobic hate crime and safety is available.
Another misconception that some people hold is that gay men and lesbians are more likely to be paedophiles. This is totally untrue. The myth that paedophiles are often gay has grown out of the ignorance in society about homosexuality. A normally adjusted lesbian or gay man is no more sexually interested in children than is a normally adjusted straight person. Statistics show conclusively that the greatest amount of child abuse is committed by heterosexuals and within the family.
Health and sexual relationships
Many parents find the idea of their son or daughter being in a sexual relationship difficult, and particularly so if they are gay. However difficult for you this may be, all responsible parents should encourage their children to practise safer sex, whether they are gay or straight. Sex between two men need not be dangerous provided the proper precautions are taken, and your gay son will need to take advantage of the free help and advice available. The Terrence Higgins Trust is particularly informative.
Sexual relationships between two women are generally considered to be low risk. However, it is important to be aware that one of the partners may previously have had unsafe sex with a male partner, or with someone who has injected drugs, so they too should not be complacent about the need to protect themselves.
Should I ask?
Some parents will recognise that their son or daughter is gay before they have had the courage to tell them. However, it would be unwise for a parent to ask their son or daughter directly if they are gay, as this could bring a denial which makes it harder for them then to tell you the truth later. A better route would be to take every opportunity to let them know subtly that you are not homophobic, and that you think it is quite wrong when parents do not support their gay children. Most of the television ‘soaps’ and many dramas include gay storylines, and this can be a good time to raise the subject. Gradually and gently restate, over a period of time, how much you will always love them, so creating an atmosphere in which it is easier for your son or daughter to talk to you.
How can I support my child?
So now that you know that your son or daughter is gay, where do you go from here? All parents want to help their children to the best of their ability when they are going through difficult times. Some parents may already have gay friends and colleagues, and will find it easier to come to terms with having a gay son or daughter. However, others will have a limited knowledge of lesbian, gay and bisexual issues, and it will be important for them to find out all they can through websites, books, helplines and support groups.
Recognise that there is no correct way for parents to react in this situation. As in all family situations, however, your child will need a signal that you still love them, no matter what. Whether this is done in words or deeds, it is the start of getting things right. Do not smother your emotions entirely, but talk to your son or daughter and let them know that you are trying hard to come to terms with their revelation. You will need time to let the shock run its course and to get support. Get in touch with a parents’ organisation and talk to someone who has already been in your situation and come through it. Talking it through with someone you can trust outside the family, such as a counsellor or your GP, can greatly reduce the burden you feel. However, you should not tell friends and relatives until you have had your son or daughter’s permission to do so, and then only when you yourself feel comfortable and confident with the situation. Other people’s reaction to the news will depend on the way you tell it – telling them through tears will bring pity, whereas a positive attitude will bring empathy and a shared acceptance.
Coming to terms with your son or daughter’s sexuality may not be easy, and some parents feel a sense of grief for the loss of the life they had imagined their child would have. But always remember that they did not become gay just to annoy you; this is who they are, and always have been – you just didn’t know. We cannot live our children’s lives for them and, if you want to keep their love and continue to be a part of their lives, you must find a way to accept it. One day they may want to bring a new partner home to meet you, and it’s important that you prepare yourself so that, when the time comes, you can genuinely welcome them into your home. We all want our children to have a happy and successful life, and there is no reason why this should not still happen. It has been said that being gay is a bit like being left handed – a bit unusual, a bit inconvenient, but not really something that will make a great difference to your life. Good and bad things happen to us all, your son or daughter will still have their ups and downs in life, and relationships and friendships will come and go, just as they would if they were straight. Full acceptance may take time, but the process may ultimately bring you closer as a family as you become more honest, compassionate and tolerant of each other. More than ever, your son or daughter needs your love and support.